


The Word You're Looking For Is "Guilty"

by ancestrallizard



Category: Shin Megami Tensei Series, 真女神転生IV | Shin Megami Tensei IV
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 08:17:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9595829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ancestrallizard/pseuds/ancestrallizard
Summary: Flynn is having doubts about opening the Expanse.





	

The beer a rather inebriated Ring of Gaea member had insistently given Flynn burned stale and rancid on his tongue. He couldn’t stomach more than a few sips before he permanently set it to the side. 

The cacophony of people talking, shouting, and even singing in the crowded hall had the same effect on his heart that the alcohol had on his taste buds, even from his place standing at the back of the room. The party he was currently trying to avoid had initially been for the Gaeans to celebrate regained territory after a drawn out dispute with the Ashura-kai. Once news got around that Flynn and Walter had come to work with Lilith, however, they were more than happy to extend the celebration to incorporate them as well.

The Ring of Gaea were distrusting and hostile towards outsiders, but once you proved yourself and joined them, any past transgressions an animosity were instantly washed away. And Flynn was more than a little bit surprised at how quickly he was accepted; he was scarred by plague and frail, the opposite of what typical Gaean member looked like. Still, he couldn’t deny the relief at having so many allies around him after being seen as an enemy by almost every living being in Tokyo. It reminded Flynn somewhat of the camaraderie of the Samurai of Mikado, but without the pressures and boundaries of previous social station hanging over everyone’s’ heads.

Walter had taken to them immediately. The Gaeans were cut from same cloth as him, had the same recklessness and dissatisfaction with the status quo, and he fit in with an ease he hadn’t had with Samurai and Prentices in Mikado. And his new clothes, the orange robes worn by most Ring of Gaea members, helped him blend in even more. Flynn too had been offered a set of robes but had politely refused, instead keeping the clothes he’d acquired soon after arriving in Tokyo which he’d worn even longer than his Samurai uniform. 

He watched from the back of the hall as Walter drank and laughed with a group Gaean members around his own age. An outside observer would never have guessed he’d only been part of them for less than a day. The sight of it made Flynn smile softly. After watching the scene a bit longer, he left. 

They’d been given rooms to sleep in until it was time to leave with Lilith for Camp Ichigaya the next day. He didn’t how much time they had until then, because he couldn’t tell how late it was. Flynn still had difficulty determining time in this realm, as it had more to do with timers on machines than the absent sun and stars.

The residential wing was all but deserted. He passed Walter’s room and entered his own several doors down. It was small and cool, almost cold, and the only things it contained were an old bed and a small barred window. 

Flynn slipped off his jacket and hung it on the bedpost. He pulled out his hair tie, letting his hair fall loose down his shoulders, and lay down on the mattress, staring up at the cracked and peeling ceiling. In the absence of outside stimuli, the dread that first set in during the audience with Lilith made itself known again and squeezed his chest like a vise.

He’d been confident in his choice at first, but after the audience with Lilith, he just didn’t know anymore. Complicating matters, he still didn’t trust Lilith at all, as her actions had both directly and indirectly led to so many deaths, including Issachar’s. Flynn was at a precipice, but he could not tell if there was still time to turn away or he was already plummeting to the ground. 

“Should have figured you’d be here,” a voice said.

Walter was standing in the doorway. Flynn was out of bed and on his feet almost instantly, mentally cursing himself for leaving his ally alone amongst the Gaeans. “What’s wrong?”

“What? No, everything’s fine. I just wanted to see where you went.”

Oh. He sat back down on the edge of the bed, feeling ridiculous for jumping to conclusions. Since Walter was here though, maybe could help ease the conflict warring in him. “Can I ask you something?”

Walter stared at him for a second, then closed the door and sat next to him on the bed. Flynn could smell alcohol on him, but his steps were steady and his eyes were clear. Normally he would be flustered, being this close to Walter, but there was too much else on Flynn’s mind to pat attention to it.

“Should we really open up the Expanse?” Flynn’s voice was always quiet, and now doubt muted it into a hoarse whisper. 

Flynn studied Walter’s profile as he considered his answer. Finally, he spoke. “I know innocent people will die if this happens, but innocents are suffering and dying now with the way things are. If there’s a chance this action can make a fairer, better world where people don’t have to suffer like that, then I’ll take it.”

It was about what Flynn expected to hear and like he expected, it didn’t make the weight in his chest any lighter.

“It must sound strange to say it like this, but,” Walter grinned a bit, and his previous gravity had been replaced by brevity. “You understand how corrupt the world is, you’ve experienced it same as I have. You’re strong and clever, and people look up to you. If I had to do this with anyone at my side, I’m glad it was you, Flynn.” 

Flynn couldn’t get enough air, and for reasons that had nothing to do with the lingering effects of his illness. He blinked a few times and turned away, obviously flustered. He was reading into things too much, letting his imagination twist words into what he wanted them to mean.

Silence enclosed them. Flynn wished for something to drink, water or even that terrible beer, anything to distract from how the room felt too small and stiflingly warm. Had they always been sitting this close?

Walter was looking at some thing just past Flynn’s head. He started to reach out to him. “Do you mind if I..?”

Flynn didn’t understand what he was asking and instead of clarifying, Walter finished reaching out and started to run his fingers through Flynn’s loose hair. He started at the back of Flynn’s head, gently combing his fingers down until his hair ended around his upper back, then repeated the gesture.

“I’ve wanted to try this for awhile. Why do you keep it so long?” 

Flynn almost didn’t hear him. The gesture was unexpectedly soothing, and his eyes slid shut almost immediately. “No reason. I just like it this way,” he answered, his voice drowsy. 

The hand combing through his hair stopped, cupping the back of his head. Flynn opened his eyes in time to see Walter’s considering gaze flicker from his eyes to his mouth.

Flynn’s denial came back in full force telling him that that look, and that touch, couldn’t possibly be what he thought it was. And he kept thinking that, even as Walter put his other hand on Flynn’s leg, and soft pressure from his hand pulled Flynn’s head forward as Walter leaned in, and only stopped thinking that when their mouths connected in a kiss. 

His eyes closed automatically from the proximity. Something new and electric flashed through Flynn’s body and he was suddenly hyperaware of the heat Walter’s body gave off, how the rough sheets on the bed scratched his palms, and especially, especially the feeling of rough lips on his own. He did not mind the taste of Gaean beer nearly so much now.

But he didn’t know what to do in return. He’d never kissed anyone before. On guesswork he moved his hand to cup the side of Walter’s face and kissed him back, mirroring his movements, which were slower and more gentle than he thought they’d be whenever he imagined this. It was amateur, Flynn knew, but from the way the hand in his hair tightened and he was kissed back more insistently, he was probably doing something right. 

All too soon Flynn’s lungs started to burn, and he broke the kiss to breathe. The embarrassment was almost as painful as the lack of air. He was pretty sure most people wouldn’t need to stop so quickly. Walter moved back a bit to give him space, though he looked far from upset. 

“I was going to tell you how I felt, before I did something like that, but, I guess I got carried away.”

His eyes were bright and optimistic and Flynn wanted to share in that uncomplicated rush with him, but the weight in his chest would not be forgotten. 

“Walter,” he started, and he saw how the hope faded in his eyes even from that one word. Too-familiar guilt speared Flynn through the heart. “I’m sorry, but, I can’t…”

“I… I see,” the former Prentice got to his feet. His shoulders were tense, and he wasn’t looking at him. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He left, and Flynn was alone in a room as cavernous and empty as a tomb.

He fell asleep eventually, but it was sporadic and fitful. He was relieved when a Gaean arrived early in the ‘morning’ to tell him it was time for them to leave. He ran into Walter as they both went to meet Lilith, and he spoke to Flynn like nothing at all unusual happened the night before.

They fought in tandem on the streets of Tokyo, and it was like nothing was wrong. It was in the quiet moments after a fight, or when there was nothing to fight, or when they were just walking, that the edged silence between them was most apparent. Some emotion numbed Flynn’s spirit, something alike to loneliness, or necessity. He needed to get a handle on it quickly, as he had a feeling he was going to become more than familiar with it in the future.

**Author's Note:**

> If Flynn is already feeling bad he is not going to handle the rest of the game well at all.
> 
> ancestrallizard.tumblr.com feel free to check out my blog, I'm blogging my first playthrough of SoulHackers whenever college gives me time to play it. Which is not often.


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